I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
be right there i have to get my cape
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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