Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We talked him into tasing himself.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
