when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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