they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
