Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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