how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
