He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
