Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
jump out the window naked night went bad
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
