1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
