So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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