If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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