went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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