I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
