You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
