This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
