I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
