I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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