i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
