I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
