Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
