One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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