so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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