mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Randomize
