i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
