If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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