Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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