And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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