Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize