my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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