I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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