I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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