He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize