She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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