Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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