I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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