i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
