Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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