At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
