so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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