lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
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