My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's Friday. Sex?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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