Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
