This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I think my moral compass just broke
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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