he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize