he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
