Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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