How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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