He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
