The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
