Someone shit on the floor
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
