I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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