Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
