She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
